For a while, I’ve been trying to articulate some thoughts on life, and BOY do I have a lot of them!! To start off-
My heart is very very very full! If I could post one thousand Instagram photos and sing one thousand Ed Sheeran songs and yell for one thousand years, I still would not have expressed how full my heart is. I know I’ve definitely already over-shared about my trip to Maine with my friends by way of live tweets and snapchats and Instagram posts (but don’t you feel like you were there?? Isn’t technology so great?? YOU’RE WELCOME.) but my mind is still dancing closely with thoughts of that weekend and this year and this life, so I’m going to try to write some of them down!!
To preface this- everything I’m about to write is ridiculously and disgustingly cliché, but for me, here, right now, it’s all true. So here we go!!
My first thought is that I am very excited about doing things. When I think back on how many hard things I’ve done, I’m very happy. I’ve had so many hard conversations and made so many hard choices and made so much lemonade out of so many lemons. If you think back on your life, I think you’ll find that the same is true for you, and I think that’s something to celebrate and be proud of. We are DOING things people!! We are, quite literally, making history!!! We are out here making our lives look how we want them to!!! How exciting, amiright guys?? Think for a minute about how capable you are of doing things. All of the things. Going to class. Going to work. Getting in your car right now for a road trip. Moving across the country. Moving across the room. Going to see your favorite bands play. Going to Maine with your favorite people. None of these things happen without your consent and your initiative. Is that cool, or is that cool?? So that’s the first thing I’m very excited about lately- doing things. Doing hard things and funny things and beautiful things!! Interacting with my world and my friends and myself. And, most extravagantly, driving 20 hours to Maine because we wanted to. I LOVE DOING THINGS.
The other thing I am very excited about lately is being. (I can already feel that I’m about to get a little ramble-y here, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.) On Sunday, our only full day in Maine, we drove to Cape Elizabeth to see a lighthouse. It was cold and rainy and exactly how I pictured Maine. I don’t think I can express how excited Sam, Haley, and I were to just stand on some rocks next to some water. I mean, we were really, REALLY excited. We were just frolicking and laughing and remembering and taking photos, and I had a moment where I was just ridiculously aware that I was. I looked out at my friends laughing and at the sea and at the lighthouse and just felt myself so there. My heart was just so full. I started thinking about all the times in my life that I struggled with myself, with anxiety, with sadness, and the only thought I could form in that moment was “I can’t believe there was a time in my life where I wasn’t—where I just wasn’t.” I know this is a pretty common sentiment, but I can’t believe there have been times in my life that haven’t been totally saturated in love and experience and authenticity. I’m not even sure I can express what that feeling was that day, but I just became so aware that on those rocks by that sea, I was, and that who I am at this point in my life just is. This Maddie is so here and so alive!!! I genuinely see things and feel things and hear things! I laugh and enjoy and express! I am experiencing a universe that’s experiencing me, and it is SO. BEAUTIFUL. It is so beautiful to be.
So to sum all of that up, I am 1) very dramatic, and 2) very thankful. That’s the whole takeaway here. I am full of joy and gratitude and experience and I just want to shout it all from the rooftops. For years, I prayed for a life that I’m living today. (Is anyone else crying here?? No? Just me??) For right now, my goals are to keep doing and to keep being, and there’s such a beautiful fullness in this life I’m living!!
I am one thousand exclamation points, and I am very grateful, and I’m doing things, and I just am.
(P.S., if this weekend was a song, it would be Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran. Listen to it while you’re googling photos of Maine and reading my live tweets and it’ll be just like we were all there together!!!)